(Diarist note: This column, written at least five years ago, suggested much of what is happening today.)
About two decades ago, large manufacturing companies were introduced to the world of CAD-CAM (Computer-Aided Design, Computer-Aided Manufacturing) and the sophisticated design and manufacturing world changed forever. Those processes and techniques have spawned wonders to improve the entire industry. Today with the help of CAD-CAM, one-person companies are doing what factories required five to 10 people to do before the advent of such software.
As the Communications Age converges with the Age of Biotechnology, new advanced techniques should shortly appear on the horizon -- techniques that will shock many and impress others, but which eventually will be accepted by most countries, especially those determined to move ahead into our new world. A world some will rave about, and some will rave against.
I'm talking about CAS-CAR (Computer-Aided Selection Computer-Aided Reproduction). The implications are so vast that any attempts to forbid or regulate such developments will quickly be passed by, as creations rapidly move from designer pets to superior humans.
Ten years ago, in an opening show on the Peter Gzowski half-hour television series, prior to interviewing me, Gzowski mentioned this idea of designer pets. The implication was that here was an example of someone so far out as to be ridiculous. Stick around it's closer than you think.
CAS-CAR would allow programming any type of pet desired. Say, a small animal designed for apartments. One that would perspire all liquid bodily wastes into the atmosphere just as do some desert animals and we humans partially do. That's where we found the first genes of this type. Solid waste would be excreted in bone-dry pellets that would not stain rugs or furniture. Gzowski saw this as a joke. I was serious.
A pet could be designed to fit in with any lifestyle and living arrangements. Size? One kilo fine. Texture and color? Smooth? Fur? Peach to match the decor? Initials in Old English script? Any spots or logo? Some customers may write-off cost of creation as a business expense where the logo is prominently displayed.
Let me pull up a graphic of your choice on my PowerBook. See here. Does this appear to your liking?
How about behavior? Is this a guard animal? It is a little light for all but barking duties. How about a bark that sounds like a high-pitched siren? A built-in training gene could help your pet learn to pull on a specially-installed bone to activate a high-pitched siren-sound that would awaken the entire apartment. It could be muted by exchanging one bone for the lesser volume unit.
An aroma amplifier can be incorporated for just an additional $2,500. That way you could smell what your dog smells. Imagine!
Maybe you prefer a parrot. A pet could be designed that would answer the door in a husky male voice and push a lever to dial 911 for police action. Maybe you would consider a flamboyant model recently created for a retiring radio host? It's a bald-headed eagle programmed to return in 15 minutes to a small red patch pinned on the shoulder of any shirt, when taking this pet out for his daily flight. This could be done from an open window in your apartment, even on a rainy day. Eagles have fantastic eyesight, far superior to human sight. For an additional $5,000 we can breed in other genes to tie in with a 30-gram digital vidcam to allow us to see exactly what your pet sees. It's a little expensive but it provides a high-resolution, 200-to-one digital zoom broadcast quality picture. It might make you a lot of money.
Delivery could be guaranteed within 12 weeks. Initial pet training would cost extra but would extend the guarantee from one year to three. Yes, points awarded for payment via American Express. Points also awarded when the pet accompanies you on a flight in Business Class. You have to purchase the tickets with your American Express card. Is that understood? All details will be described in the Owner's Manual for the Digirati, delivered to you along with appropriate Personal Communications Service phone identification tags in coordinating colors, of course, upon your final decision of pet and payment and signing of the production contract.
Our PETS AWAY Photonic/holographic gene program will jump into action at the artificial fertilization laboratory within 48 hours of receiving your contract. So far, no known cases of allergies of any nature have been caused in humans from any products designed, developed and produced from CAS-CAR laboratories. Should this ever happen, refund or free replacement is automatic. Think it over for a few days. After all, this is a major decision in your life.
Let me e-mail you some color images tonight of what you might like to see for further consideration.
I'll call you next Tuesday morning. Okay? And remember our phone number: PETS AWAY. That's 7387-2929.
You do have a new eight-digit phone number, don't you?
Think all this won't happen? Stick around. Geneticists from Osaka University have just announced the production of the world's first fluorescent mammal. The first generation glows green under ultraviolet light. This could be a great advantage to medical researchers who can now observe more clearly internal fetal developments. Researcher Masaru Okabe's team injected mouse embryos with DNA from a species of North American bioluminescent jellyfish.
Coming here soon : ALBA, the first glow-in-the-dark rabbit.
Easter will never be the same.
